I have really felt like a real respirator patient the past twenty four hours. I can hardly breathe even on five liters of oxygen and feel like I have been hit by a truck. Dr. Huitt said it’s because they "mucked" things up in my lungs yesterday when they did the bronchoscopy with the lavage and the biopsy. She said the psuedomonus bacterial infection I have seems to have a mind of it’s own so when they sprayed salt water in my lungs in the lavage they stirred up the bacteria and since it’s losing ground by being beaten down by the antibiotics it begins to try to raise up in strength to which my body, already reacting from the lavage and the water left over is trying everything to respond – including fever, tiredness, etc. So I am taking it real easy today. I hated to cancel my treadmill workout but I couldn’t walk across the room without being short of breath – even on five liters of oxygen. Otherwise we met with the team of doctors, had an audio test to make sure a possible hearing loss from the antibiotics is not incurring, a bone density scan – checking for side effects from the prednisone, and my daily IV antiobiotic treatments.

We were greeted in our daily update with the team of doctors by Dr. Huitt this morning as "the couple that everyone likes to see" which made us feel good because we have tried to be a source of encouragement and cheer to staff and patients. Dr. Huitt laid out the plan of action that is pretty much what we have been told but she said to be ready for a really rough couple of weeks. They will begin the descent off prednisone tomorrow, going little steps at a time. She plans to cut me some slack over the weekend and not take big steps because once they do go down so far, they expect my body to begin to react in many ways making me very sick and I’ll need to stay here at NJMC all the time. (We hope to make the most of a little freedom between IV treatments this weekend for sure.) Even though I’ll be very sick, they plan for my sinus surgery next Friday. (No April fools joke – this is the real thing and expected to hurt bad.) They plan to repair my deviated septum which means breaking my nose along with clearing out pockets of infection.

The following week of April 3^rd should be the test week when they have my body nearly without prednisone and they are able to do the surgical lung biopsy. It will mean a day or two in ICU as they will have to work on re-inflating my lung and keeping it drained of fluid after the surgery. Once the biopsy is taken and they figure out what is ailing me then they will develop and begin a treatment program.

It all sounds complicated doesn’t it? We never dreamed it would come to this. Of course who does dream of going lower than they ever have before. I thought of today’s scripture as I was thinking about how low I had fallen physically and how low the doctor is preparing me to be in the next couple of weeks – then I was encouraged to know that God’s arms are there to hold me up – no matter how far down I go.

Deuteronomy 33:27a (New International Version) The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

God has given us some great opportunities to encourage others and be encouraged. We are thankful beyond words for the help from the people of Winter Park Church, The Child Development Center, and Reformed Theological Seminary have given us and the things they are doing for us. In addition our hundreds of friends from the running, triathlon, Mary Kay, PowerBreak, Iron Prayer, and other connections around the country. Of course our families too – So many people we could never have begun to fathom the vast amount of love and help that we have and are receiving.

Thank you for your prayers and your support.

Today we are beginning to implement plans on the "how to" in the logistics of our staying on for two to four more weeks – everything from flight changes, to extensions on the hotel and rental car, to mail forwarding, to "you name it" – when you plan to be away for 15 days and that turns into a month or longer, there’s quite a bit to think about and cover, especially when the beginning of next week it doesn’t sound like our heads will be too clear to do much else than focus here.

So we need wisdom and ask you to pray that God will show us the right way to take in everything. Jan was thinking of flying home but at this point, we don’t want to waste the money for a flight if she doesn’t have to because she really would like to be here with me. Many friends have offered to help for which we are grateful and are trying to figure out those logistics too. Meanwhile, we are so grateful for people who check on the house, mow the yard, and even paint the interior of the house while we are away. We have people doing extra at the church and seminary to cover us and we are grateful.

It’s obvious this is not a 100 yard dash, it’s a marathon run, more like an ultra marathon. According to the doctors – as bad as things have been, we’re not to the turning point yet so they will get worse and it looks like the next few weeks will be the turning point.

It’s been interesting to read my own material – viz. Daily PowerBreak (Those of you who get it at Winter Park Church or via the mail know what I am talking about – or it’s available via the PowerBreak website: www.powerbreak.org as a pdf file.) As Jan read it this morning she said, look at today’s PowerBreak.

Hosea 2:15 (New Living Translation) I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.

It’s interesting to see my comments as if directed to myself. And to think they were written back in January. (Today I wrote the Daily PowerBreak for May 19 & 20).

God knows how to encourage and His Word is powerful and full of strength for every way we take. Therefore as dark as the way seems in front of us we know He’ll see us through, taking care of our needs, and helping us shine as lights – or as Dr. Huitt called us, "the couple that everyone likes to see."

Today was rather difficult because I had to leave Jan at the hotel because she was getting sick with cold/flu like symptoms. There are rules at NJMC about coming there in that condition, in addition to the fact that she needs rest and to be away from the stress of the hospital. In addition Dr. Huitt said Jan is off limits to me for the weekend because I cannot afford to catch anything else to complicate the already complicated matters in my respiratory system. Anyone who knows Jan and me knows how inseparable we are (for which I thank God) so today has been very difficult without my "precious" with me and with my heart wanting to be by her side to help her get well. If today was bad without Jan by my side, I know the weekend will be even worse since I am confined to the hospital and Jan is confined to the hotel room. There are worse things going on but this little blow is really a bummer for us. Please pray that Jan will have a speedy recovery. This past week has been very stressful and I am sure the stress with a lack of rest has made her very susceptible to whatever is going around. I really miss her as well as everyone else in the place because there has not been a test or meeting where I have gone today where I have not heard, "Where’s your wife?" It’s Jan who makes the positive impact wherever she goes.

Meanwhile, the doctors are pleased with the result of a battering of tests but not pleased with my breathing that is not recovering from the bronchoscopy. I am still showing signs of constant labored breathing even though I am on 5 liters of oxygen, which is a significant level so they ordered more testing and have warned me to keep tabs on my breathing because they may have push things up or do some other things if I am not surviving in the present way of doing things.

I never noticed how significant oxygen is in getting up, putting on clothes, walking across the room, or even changing positions in the bed has until I find myself out of breath in the least activities, even on five liters of oxygen. I seem to be heading down hill at a fast rate. To think I did Ironman Florida on November 6, 2004 and now I can’t walk across the room without being winded on five liters of oxygen.

When I think of my condition and how humbling it has been to see myself and admit that I am "really sick" – no – "very, very sick" I am reminded of what Jesus told Peter in John 21 after the "Peter, do you love me? – Feed my sheep" scenario.

John 21:18 (NLT) The truth is, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked and go wherever you wanted to. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will direct you and take you where you don't want to go."

I know the passage carries John’s commentary that it had to do with Peter’s death and tradition says he was crucified upside down because he did not feel himself worthy to die the same death as Jesus – but I see myself in the passage that for years I did very much what I please – training, racing, while packing the day full of activities. Now I am dependent – very dependent upon God and others. I have to depend on God for strength just to breathe and to make it through each day because the challenges of just living are great. I have to depend on others back home to help us and God has blessed us with a church and friends who have done so much more for us than we could ever imagine. We are even depending on people we don’t know – people associated with the hospital and people in Denver who don’t even know us are offering to help. And it’s humbling to have to stretch out our hands and say "we are in need" and to depend on others to lead us and help us.

Yet, as Peter found, there is strength in that humbling experience and the strength is the power of God in the reassurance of His presence through this very dark and awe-inspiring moment.

A friend from Ohio sent an email of encouragement yesterday that included the following verse:

Hebrews 13:5-6 (NIV) Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."[6] So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I remember preaching many times on this verse and the "NEVER" in this scripture. It carries the thought of "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER…. Etc." As God is saying ‘AIN’T NO WAY I’M GIVING UP ON YOU." --- that’s good stuff and we needed it.

The snow is falling, the time away from home is getting long, especially since we are forced to be separated for the weekend but we did catch a few moments last night, walking in the snow. We thought this picture was quite unique. In the background is the Kona Grill, which of course says, "HAWAII" to us. I am not sure what the restaurant serves but the sign said enough to us. Hopefully, you can see the snowflakes falling in the background which makes this scene quite incongruous. It was a unique moment that captured thoughts of the past and the place we love – Hawaii and the snow of the present scene of Denver for which we were just thankful to be here and find help for my desperate condition as we savor every moment together.

God has been good to us in our nearly 31 years of marriage as we thank God for each other everyday and for the bond of love that has made us one. Boy, I miss her.

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March 26, 2005 – "WE’RE FREE"

It’s been an answer to prayer. We are able to be together again!

It’s amazing how the little things in life that we take for granted are appreciated when missed. Yesterday, Jan and I were isolated by the doctors because she wasn’t feeling well (cold and flu like symptoms probably from being worn down from all that is going on). Jan did her part including documenting her temperature and everything else that is part of overcoming sickness and today she is feeling much better. (Thank y’all for praying for her.)

When the doctors visited today, they inquired on her condition and gave the approval for us to be together. Yahoo!!! We had lunch together at our room at Homestead Suites and came back to the hospital for my 2:00 IVantibiotic treatment. (Bob and Jan together again while Bob gets the antiobiotic infusion - self portrait taken at arms length!)  We'll have to try to include one of our recent professional photos compliments of Mary Anne Hutcheson!  I'll work on that!

I have to admit that when it comes to answered prayer, we are looking for the great things like my being able to breathe again but how could we not be happy about this "small thing" which really isn’t small to us. We know God answers the small things as well as the big things which is why He questioned His people looking down on the "small things" that were happening.

Zechariah 4:10a (NIV) "Who despises the day of small things? Men will rejoice when they see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel."

We all have a tendency to do that – "look down on the small things" and just take them for granted. I know I have and this lesson of being down from sickness has made me appreciate the little things and the small victories that in the past I have overlooked, not appreciated like I should, or taken for granted – like time I am able to be with Jan.

The doctors are still quite concerned that have not recovered from the bronchoscopy like they think I should be. I am still very short of breath at the least movement while I am on five liters of oxygen. The doctors say that the bronchoscopy really "mucks" things up in the lungs so what I am experiencing is my body’s reaction to everything. We are praying for some improvement but know the tapering off prednisone will soon bring other problems to the surface which have been masked by the prednisone.

Thank you for standing with us in prayer. Please join us in thanking God for this little answer to prayer that Jan and I are able to be together again.

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KEEP SCROLLING DOWN, PLEASE

March 27, 2005 – "EASTER BLESSINGS"

Today was a great day. Oh, I was still on Five liters of oxygen and still very short of breath and still had to report to NJMC for my IV antibiotic treatments but God gave us a great day and many things to enjoy on this celebration of the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The blessing of the day actually began yesterday, when I was allowed to be around Jan. While we were enjoying a lunch in our little studio suite, a friend of a friend of Jan’s sister, Sherry Akers, called to invite us to supper. Geoff and Judy Godard (Pictures of this outstanding couple will be forthcoming on the updates – standby.) have opened their home to Jan to stay when I am in the hospital full time. What a blessing! This couple is so loving to reach out to us and make such an offer but that’s not all. Jan was talking to family and others yesterday and hearing of all their family plans which made her feel a bit of the loneliness of being away from our church and our family back in Florida. She said she even prayed that God would provide comfort like somewhere to enjoy a home cooked meal. Her prayer was answered and the evening with the Godards was a great blessing. God goes beyond what we could ever imagine. If we could have planned a menu of favorites, it would have been what Jeff and Judy served us last night. What a blessing!

Ephesians 3:20 (The Message) God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Dr. Carol-Lynn Petronaci arranged for my morning IV treatment to take place a little later than usual and for an extra oxygen tank for me so she could take us to church and to brunch. So we were able to get a little extra sleep today which was a blessing. And as we drove to the NJMC, it was the first time of traveling when it wasn’t dark or very overcast, and we noticed the mountains as the sun was shining on this Easter morning bright and beautiful. What a blessing!

2 Thessalonians 2:16 (The Message) May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence,

Dr. Petronaci took us to Crossroads church where Shirley, one of the great nurses at NJMC attends. From the drive to church with the breathtaking view of the mountains, to the music selected, to Pastor Tom Stipe’s message – everything we experienced was most uplifting and encouraging. God knew just what we needed. What a blessing!

Bob and Miss Shirley - one great nurse

Dr. Carol-Lynn, as she is called, was hoping to find a place that would be "special," where we could enjoy a good meal and the blessings of the day. We parked in the downtown area of Cherry Grove and walked (Slowly! – Like a very casual stroll, which is very difficult for me but easier since the doctor who emphasized the importance of staying within my oxygen saturation level was with us.) through town and ended up at the brunch at the 4^TH STORY RESTAURANT on the top of the Tattered Cover bookstore. This is a renown restaurant and provided a great place of celebrating God’s goodness. Dr. Petronosi has been such a great blessing and "God-send" in so many ways and this was a very special celebration with her. What a blessing! (We are really going to miss her when she returns to Rochester, NY this coming Friday.)

We returned to NJMC just in time for my IV treatment and just as the second bottle of oxygen was running low. What a blessing! God provided abundantly for us.

It’ll be back to the prednisone taper tomorrow and all the sickness, depression, and breathing difficulty that is expected to go along with it, plus daily tests and procedures, sinus surgery this Friday, etc. – but today God provided a day of great blessing and hope on this celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Romans 15:13 (NLT) So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you for praying for me. The encouragement we feel in the number of people who email, write, and call assuring of their praying on our behalf is far more than we could have ever imagined. Please pray for Jan who is still recovering from her sinus infection and rundown state.

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March 28, 2005 – TOUGH DAY, CHANGES, AND BLESSINGS

We began our day with the early antibiotic treatment (6:00 a.m.) and as warned the "feeling bad" has begun – shortness of breath even on five liters of oxygen, feeling like I have the flu, and no energy. We met with the doctors who reiterated the fact that I am a hard case to crack. They have changed my antibiotic IV’s and added an additional antibiotic to see if they can make some headway on the bacterial infection that seems to be good at sidestepping or resisting every antibiotic so far. They have also added another medication to try to help open my airways so I can get some more oxygen from the air I breathe.

I was a little reluctant to go to physical therapy since walking across the room was wearing me out even on five liters of oxygen but we went if nothing more to see our therapist, Cindy. As we discussed what all was going on with Cindy, she suggested I ride the stationary bike, which proved to get me some exercise without driving my oxygen debt beyond the limit. Riding the bike was more than physical therapy for me – it really helped me emotionally because everywhere we turned yesterday there seemed to be cyclists.

Whenever Bob takes his mask off - to ride the bike, Cindy has to  have one one.

The doctors are keeping tabs on my condition inside and out so they require blood draws almost daily. Since my veins have been put to the test with all the blood work and the IV lines (before the PICC line) so I am very thankful for the compassionate Tina who is superb at her job. She is quite empathetic because she began at NJMC as a patient, actually was in an asthmatic coma as child. She has quite a story that we hope to incorporate on our website as soon as we can get it written.

Tina is the best at this...

We are trying to prepare today by making arrangements for our extended stay – far beyond what we had anticipated and preparations for the time when I am incarcerated in the hospital full time. Things like the car rental, finding a place to uplink our I-net connection after we leave the hotel, stocking up on food that we keep at the hospital, and paying our bills from a distance, etc. --- all part of suddenly finding yourself away from home for much longer than anticipated. Once I move to the hospital full time, Jan will move in with Jeff and Judy Goddard, the kind people who are friends of a friend of Jan’s sister and have opened their home to Jan. They are a little too far for the regular IV treatment runs so Jan will make the change once I am full time at the hospital.

Today has been a good day to reflect on yesterday and the blessings seeing the sun shine upon the mountains, celebrating with Dr. Petronaci, and the music from Denver Crossroads church via the CD we purchased.

What can you say about the sun shining on snow capped mountains? AWESOME!

Carol-Lynn is not wearing the latest flowerpot headdress fashion - it was a table decoration that our waiter did not  avoid while taking our picture. 

I am thankful for Dave Hall’s work at helping me send out the weekly PowerBreak, for Jason Vermuelen and everyone at Winter Park Church who are doing a little extra to make things happen in my absence – especially Helen Alexander and we are extremely thankful for your emails, calls, and especially your prayers.

Since some have inquired about the mailing address – here it is…

Bob Brubaker, patient in room 231 

Goodman Building

National Jewish Medical Center

1400 Jackson St.

Denver, CO 80206

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March 29, 2005 – "HAPPY TO BE HERE"

I was reading the book of Acts this morning and came across the scene of Paul before King Agrippa. Paul had every reason to gripe and complain about the unjust circumstances that was behind his being held as prisoner, however his opening words were essentially: "I’m happy to be here."

Acts 26:1-2 (New International Version) Then Agrippa said to Paul, "You have permission to speak for yourself." So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: [2] "King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews,

God got me thinking about that, since time to think is what we have plenty of these days, and I thought about whether I am happy to be here or not. I have to admit, I don’t like how I feel physically, nor the near future which has been described as "unpleasant" to say the least as they keep warning me, "you will be very sick and really hurting." Combining the feeling helpless and dependent upon so many people and a frightening future of uncertainty, I have to admit I hadn’t been focused on an "I’m happy to be here" attitude. Jan and I have tried to make the most of our situation, mainly by trying to make everyone’s day – the hard working health care workers and patients here at NJMC but to say we are "happy to be here" just hasn’t been on our minds.

Last night I had a great talk with Miss Shirley the night time nurse who hooked me up to the antibiotic IV at 10:00 p.m. We talked about God’s grace, freedom, His wisdom, and more as we compared scriptures. It was one of those moments where God’s Word was so much a part of the conversation that time flew by and the next thing I knew the IV had ended and it was time to return to the hotel. As I left, Shirley said, "We are not glad you are ill but we are glad you are here."

Was I? God is working on me. I am certainly happy I am where I am. I spoke with Dr. Feibelman last evening and he assured me that what they are doing to me here is the right thing and that I am in the best place possible to find what I have and be treated. (It’s such a blessing to have a doctor like him.)

So I am working on "being happy to be here" – in this state of opposite of where I was physically yet in a sense being released from many things that have been holding me back spiritually and emotionally. Come to think of it as the burden of ailing health has been an added load, many other burdens have been lifted. No wonder Paul could say, "I’m happy to be here."

Ecclesiastes 7:14 (NIV) When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

Psalm 84:12 (New Living Translation) O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you.

Proverbs 15:13 (NLT) A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit.

I had another workout on the stationary bike today. I went fifteen minutes while being attached to oxygen. It was good news that it went better today than it did yesterday. I also met with the dietician after she calculated my nutritional needs and the dietary log that I kept for the past few days. (The doctors do no think I am eating enough to fuel my body with enough to conquer the infections and inflammation.)

Am I happy to be here? Come to think of it, I believe God is giving Jan and me the grace needed to say, "we are happy to be here." That doesn’t mean we don’t miss the people and being back home because we do – tremendously. It means we are finding His grace to really be sufficient (all we would want and more), as we await His healing and look for His intervention on our behalf.

Thank you for praying and for the multitude of emails and other sources of encouragement we receive. It’s all appreciated – VERY MUCH.

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March 30, 2005 – REST AND RESTORATION

Today has been a restful day. There have been minimal appointments – only the IV treatments, meeting with the doctors, and physical therapy. Otherwise, Jan and I found some NEEDED rest. God knew what we needed because we have been wearing down physically although we have been renewed in spirit. Jan is doing much better today for which we are very thankful. I am showing signs that the medications have made a step, albeit a very tiny step in stopping the infection and opening my airways. I am still on five liters of oxygen and short of breath but my body is showing signs of improvement. I even got in another 15 minute bike ride on the stationary bike with oxygen this morning. It’s a very tiny step for which we are thankful.

Psalm 23:2-3a (New Living Translation) He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. [3] He renews my strength.

We know today’s REST will be interrupted tomorrow with a full schedule here at NJMC and the pre-operation testing across town for Friday’s sinus surgery. In addition, tomorrow we plan on moving much of Jan’s stuff to the Godard’s where she’ll be staying once I move full time to my room at NJMC after my sinus surgery.

Friday’s sinus surgery includes repair of my deviated septum, which means they are going to break my nose. Since I may never look the same J we have included this picture taken by Mary Anne Hutcheson, who was so gracious to shoot a photo session with us before we left home for Denver.

The sinus surgery, I've been assured, is necessary to clear out sources of infection which are re-infecting my airways. Once the sinus surgery is complete, the focus will be on preparing for the Surgical Open Lung Biopsy. It sounds like it will be some rough waters ahead but we are thankful God has promised to be with us - and we believe Him.

Thanks for praying. We really need it! I have all my health issues and Jan continues to fight respiratory and intestinal disorders. The challenge of the journey is taking its toll on both of us. Jan continues to be the strong supporter but she is growing weary from feeling sick.  

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March 31, 2005 – "RUSH – RUSH – RUSH"

Whew! What day of running here and there and full of activities but God has seen us through the day. As I began the day, I checked my email and found a nice email reminder from my friend, Kelly Allen in which she included the following verses from the book of Philippians. How appropriate!

Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message) Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. [7] Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life

We started early (6:00 a.m.) as we normally do with an IV infusion. We had a little break before a second IV for which they checked blood levels today. That meant that before we headed to University Hospital to see the ENT who will be doing the sinus surgery tomorrow, we had to work in blood work and of course a little PT (stationary bike). We rushed from one thing to another and made it to University Hospital to get a CT Scan of my sinuses and meet with Dr. Todd Kingdom. Dr. Kingdom outlined the surgery plans and we made the final arrangements with the hospital before we rushed back to National Jewish Medical Center for follow up blood work and another IV infusion. Whew!! Before we knew it, it was after 4:00 p.m. and we still wanted to take a good portion of Jan’s stuff to the Godard’s house and meet Carol-Lynn for supper.

Even though we were rushed this afternoon, we found solace in our return from University Hospital to NJMC as we saw the beautiful Rocky Mountains in the background. What a sign of encouragement as we could not look up to the mountains ahead of us and be reminded of Psalm 121.

Psalm 121:1-8 (Msg) I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? [2] No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains. [3] He won't let you stumble, your Guardian God won't fall asleep. [4] Not on your life! Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep. [5] God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you— [6] Shielding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. [7] God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. [8] He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always.

Thanks for praying for us. Jan is feeling a little better today for which we are thankful. Tomorrow (Friday 4/1) will be stressful for us with but we are looking to God for strength.

NOTE FROM JAN: My main concern is the stress on Bob’s body with his lungs at 40% capacity – the doctor said the anesthesiologist could refuse to do this surgery as an outpatient – in which case Bob would have to be admitted to the hospital for this surgery. The sinus surgery is at University Hospital - about 10 miles from Nat’l Jewish. We hope that Plan A takes place and he is able to have this done as an outpatient and then we would drive back to Nat’l Jewish later in the afternoon.

We appreciate your prayers as well as all your encouraging words and service. God has blessed us in the midst of this through many people.

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